Bad dog!

Sooner or later, on a bike or a run, you're gonna meet the Bad Dog.

Leash laws, smeash laws. Dogs are out there. I know the saying that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners, and I partially agree with that statement. We can fume and argue over the idiocy of the owners who won't fence/leash/control their pets all day long. Doesn't change the world. So we gotta learn to live in it.

Fortunately, I'm a closet expert on Bad Dogs. I have raised and trained golden retrievers for years in obedience, field and agility--one is pictured above. I can assure you that when a Bad Dog comes on the scene, I will be the first one bitten because I am so confident that I know what to do about it. Therefore, if you are running or biking with me, you're safe.

Assuming you aren't with me, I've got some tips to use for you when you meet your own Bad Dog.

There are actually two types of Bad Dogs that are a problem for us bikers/runners: the I don't really mean it Bad Dog and the I really mean it Bad Dog. Both will chase you, bark, snarl, leap and act crazy. Only one type will follow through on the threat. You should assume all Bad Dogs are of the latter type, and act accordingly.

Let's say that you are running along or biking along peacefully, and you are startled out of your pleasant thoughts by a hairy, snarling, barking thing that appears out of nowhere.

Your immediate (and natural) reaction may be to jump, yell, or flail arms and legs--which is the worst possible reaction. Dogs are chase oriented by nature--they want to chase any moving object, and the more you move, the more you entice the chase response. If you are on your bike and you know you can outrace the dog, then do so, but if you are not sure, pedaling away like mad will only cause the dog to get more excited and chase harder.

So--STOP ALL MOVEMENT. This is the first rule. Unclip, stop biking, stop running and cease movement immediately.

Turn sideways to the dog so you can see its face, but don't face it directly and DO NOT look into the eyes directly. Dogs consider eye contact to be confrontational. Look at the top of the head or at the mouth instead. Try to see what the dog intends to do.

Most dogs, when the chase has ended, will be confused. They aren't sure now whether to keep on with their pursuit of this still object, or go do something more fun. A dog that doesn't really mean it will back off immediately, perhaps lowering their head and tail and slinking away a bit. Don't assume a wagging tail means they won't come and get a bite out of you. A wagging lowered tail is a better sign than a wagging high tail.

Say "SIT!" in a stern voice to the dog while taking a few steps away. If the dog sits for you, you probably have just won the battle--you have just dominated. Keep saying sit as you walk away slowly. Don't start to run or get back on the bike too quickly. Dogs are territorial, and most of them are going to only want to protect a limited area. If the dog doesn't follow you, walk about 10-20 yards away, and then mount your bike or start your run again, watching the dog's reaction. If it starts to come after you again, stop again. Repeat.

If the dog doesn't sit, but looks away from you and lowers its ears and tail both, it's probably not happy about going through with any mean stuff. Follow the instructions above, talking in a low but firm voice to the dog the whole time.

If the dog continues to look straight at you, and its tail is held high, or the ruff remains high and fluffed up on its neck, or it starts to walk toward you stiff legged, you may have a I Really Mean It type of dog. This requires you to take defensive measures. Try the walking slowly away method but never take your eyes off the pooch--a sudden crouch could mean it's getting ready to spring up at you. If you are unable to walk away safely from the dog without it seriously threatening you, look for any weapon you may have. Your bike, water bottle, hat, watch, and shoe can all be used as a defensive weapon IF the dog attacks you. I do not recommend throwing any object at a dog until you are certain you just have no choice. If you miss, you are really going to have a torqued off animal. Sticks and stones are good choices too, but be careful about bending down as dogs consider lowering your body mass to be a sign of weakness and intimidation.

If the dog truly attacks you and starts to bite or nip, then you should take any defensive measures that you can--throw something, kick at the dog, yell loudly. Don't try to run away from the dog and incur the chase instinct. Face the dog, make yourself big and ugly, and fight back. THIS IS ONLY IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY BEING ATTACKED. Otherwise, doing these things will PROVOKE an attack. Constantly try to remove yourself from the territorial area by backing up and away.

I have some pepper spray that I bought but never remember to carry on my runs. I suspect it would do the trick, if I could remember to carry it, and unlock it, and point it in the right direction. Sometimes I have picked up a stone or a stick when I intend to run a particular street where I know a bad tempered canine may be lurking.

If you are actually bitten, do everything you can to locate the dog's owner, or call 911 and stay near the area if possible so that animal control can locate and pick up the dog and confine it. It's important to have the dog that bit you available to be sure it wasn't carrying rabies.

I have spoken politely to two of my neighbors over the past year about two dogs in my 'hood that I simply know are a bite waiting to happen. One is a male boxer, a beautiful dog but extremely territorial, and his owner lets him out to romp in their unfenced front yard early in the mornings (which irritates me because they have a HUGE fenced back yard)--and when he sees me he runs into the street to give me an extremely evil eye and snarl. He's come very close to biting my leg. I have stopped and walked around him while talking to him several times, and finally I spotted the owner peering out her front door in her bathrobe, and told her that while I was a dog lover and owner, this sort of stuff was not acceptable. Lately, I've noticed she has been outside with him each time I run by, and so far she has verbally controlled him, but I'm still worried. The other nuisance is a little Min Pin that lives across my street and loves to bark and chase me and the Patient Spouse on our runs. This dog is small, but those teeth are sharp. The owner has seen this happen a few times and never really done anything about it (this dog runs loose every day and also leaves lovely deposits in my yard), and sooner or later I'm going to have to have The Talk with the owner about "Tiny" (true name of this dog).

Remember that 90 percent of the dogs out there don't really mean it. But act like they do. Stop moving, stop the chase instinct, and walk away from the dog's territory slowly without making eye contact. Be safe. Be smart.

PS I was once dive bombed by an irate blue jay, and unfortunately have no tips on how to avoid those attacks.